There is always a few dates that get to you. Today properly makes my heart ache. Every single year. I will apologise now if this doesn’t make a huge amount of sense, I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I type.
If you know me well you will know I have for the last few years talked openly about miscarriage. It surprises me all the time that it’s still so utterly taboo - it is 2018. We talk about a lot of shit. We talk everywhere, have contact with hundreds of people on social media every day. We share pictures of cats and moths and memes on every subject.
But mention baby loss or mental health for that matter and people close down. You can’t possibly be sharing something that’s so personal. I will point out here that I totally understand the people deal with things in their own way. Not everyone can talk, not everyone wants to. For those that do, please understand my inbox is always open, I’ll always answer the phone or my door if you need to talk.
The journey for the Geek & me started over 9 and a half years ago. Just about to head off on honeymoon and found out we were expecting our first. I know for me at that moment the world stopped. All of a sudden, I was equally terrified and besotted with the few tiny cells growing inside of me.
We told very few people - because you don’t until your at the ‘safe’ 12-week mark. I will spare you the details. I will be totally open and honest if you ask me the hows etc. We headed for a scan at almost 12 weeks, to be told our baby’s heart had stopped beating at 7 weeks and 6 days. A ‘missed miscarriage’. Everything shattered - that was not how it was supposed to go.
My biggest regret from that day is that I didn’t say yes. I didn’t have the balls to. The sonographer asked, so kindly, if we wanted a scan picture. I was so quick to say no. I have regretted it since. That would have been our only picture. I can’t explain how upset that makes me.
The weeks and months that followed were so tough. My mental health took a huge dive and I hated every single period that showed up after. I’m in a massively lucky position that the Geek has an impressive amount of strength. I genuinely wouldn’t have got through it without him. I only had a handful of friends that knew about it and I was worried if I kept bringing it up they would be annoyed. The comments that you get are the worst. Even from people in hospital settings.
It wasn’t meant to be
There was probably something wrong with it
At least it was early on
At least you know you can get pregnant
The list is endless. Please, if someone ever confides in you that they have lost their baby, no matter how early on. Say you’re sorry, tell them you will be there to talk, or listen, tell them it wasn’t their fault, tell them it is utterly shite. Trust me they are going through a hard enough time. In their heads, they are trying to convince themselves it wasn’t that extra coffee, or the beer they drank before they found out.
We were super lucky to fall pregnant with Thing #1. Other than a huge amount of morning sickness and a traumatic birth, everything else went to plan. He's amazing. He has an absolutely beautiful soul and is hilarious. Don’t get me wrong he’s a total pain in the bum some days and asks a ridiculous amount of questions, but he is awesome.
We decided to wait until he started school to try again for another and again, fell pregnant straight away. We couldn’t have been happier. We’d recently moved, school was starting soon and now we had a second baby on the way. We always only wanted two kids so this seemed like the final puzzle piece.
Until everything came crashing down again - less than a week later. We ended up in A&E. Me sitting in a room on my own, so that Thing #1 didn’t have to hear what was being said. Game over, a ‘normal’ miscarriage (I hate that term, normal). The same absolute heartbreak all over again. This one was early - we had barely told anyone, again.
The thing, even with early miscarriages, is that you still think their life through. As soon as you see that second line. Will it be a boy or girl, will they have mine or his eyes, will they be a short-arse like me? It doesn’t matter how early it is. You’ve planned everything.
Thing #2 took us by surprise. My period hadn’t arrived when I expected so I took a test, as we were about to head out to a friends 30th. I saw the slightest, smallest of second lines there. The Geek thought I was seeing things, but I knew.
I was right. Obviously.
Again, the pregnancy was tough (not quite to the same level as with Thing #1). We had an early scan at 6 weeks, 5 days. For me that was enough. We did a big Facebook announcement and ran with it. I figured if anything didn’t work this time we would at least have some support around us.
He stuck. He is here. He’s the total opposite to Thing #1 - a non-stop whirlwind. Never stops, totally strong willed. He has the best imagination and is massively loving (though he hates hugs, like the Geek).
We are now complete. We've always been set on two, the vasectomy is done (not my decision, in case you are wondering). The Geek was ready, neither of us could cope with another miscarriage or another baby.
So this is us.
I love us.